Show and Tell: Part 2
“Falling”
Once my heart is involved, it’s hard for me to hide it. I try to lie and pretend everything’s fine. But my face and eyes betray me almost every time.
He knew. He could tell I wasn’t my usual jovial self. I could barely crack a smile when looking at him. In moments like these when I find myself on the precipice of devastation, I feel junior. The little boy inside me quakes, knowing we’re about to jump…and that there won’t be anyone below to catch us.
I’d fallen. Blindly. Unexpectedly. For a man that I couldn’t have. Again.
“What’s wrong,” he pressed. Oddly enough, I don’t recall what words I used to confess to him. I can’t remember if I said, “I have feelings for you,” or, “I have a crush on you,” or, “There’s something about you. Your eyes…shake me in a way that I can’t explain. I see sparklers when I see your face. I can hear you coming — do you know that? You don’t have to say a word and I’ll know it’s you. The sound of your shuffle has synchronized with my mind. No one else walks the way you do; it’s musical to me. Your cologne: I walk through these doors and I know you’re here already. I smell you through the denim and cotton and people and public. I think about you way more often than I should…but I do.” I didn’t say that but, maybe I should have…
“I’ll always be your friend.” At least he was being nice about it but, of course he was. He was a nice guy.
So there I stood, silently crushed, amongst the bath towels and blankets, none of which softened the impact.
For the rest of the night, I ruminated on the whole ordeal: from the moment at the elevators to our solo walks along the linens, toys, blouses, and trousers; the time we exchanged numbers to the time he brought me lunch; the looks, the laughs, the tension, the energy. Had I made everything up? How did I get it so wrong? How did I get so wrapped up in my emotions?
When I got home, I was compelled to text him: “Hey, I’m sorry about tonight. I hope I didn’t make things awkward and I’m glad we can still be friends. But, I just have to know, am I crazy? Did I make everything up?”
To be continued…
*Some details have been altered to protect privacy.
