On Being Polyamorous
Picture it: Brandon, Mississippi, 2013, me, having a full-on ugly cry meltdown on my bathroom floor in front of my then-boyfriend who was in that very moment becoming my ex-boyfriend. Yeah…our breakup was dramatic, to say the least. And it all started when I discovered that I’m polyamorous…and he, was not.
Sometimes, the Red Table topics and conversations can be hit or miss. However, the latest episode, Is Polyamory For You, taught me a thing or two! If memory serves, this is the show’s second episode on polyamory or open relationships. I don’t recall much about the first besides watching it with another boyfriend of mine in the hopes that it would increase understanding since he wasn’t poly. Spoiler alert: That relationship didn’t work out either…
Willow, Jada and Gam had Gabrielle Smith and her boyfriend on the show to discuss ethical non-monogamy and being polyamorous. I’ve identified as polyamorous since that breakup in 2013, but never before have I felt so understood until I saw this episode. There were terms used that I had never heard of but spoke to me and my lifestyle: Novel sex—enjoying sex with new people and poly solo—someone who has multiple intimate relationships with people but has an independent or single lifestyle.
Coincidentally, I was talking to a friend recently about the difficulties of dating while poly. My exes weren’t poly, but they were willing to give an open relationship a try. The last requested a “don’t ask, don’t tell” boundary which, for me at the time, seemed like an okay compromise. However, I learned that would require me to shut off or hide a part of myself to him, which didn’t feel comfortable. While I’ve read that it’s possible to have a successful relationship in which one partner is poly and the other is not, I’ve yet to experience that myself. This makes me wonder: Are those who consider themselves monogamous completely off the table for me? Should I only date people who are poly?
Gam and Willow’s standpoints perfectly illustrate the dichotomy of monogamy versus polyamory. On both sides, there’s always defensiveness and I think it’s because each side feels that the other is trying to invalidate or make obsolete their choices. Coincidentally, while thinking about this particular post and before the episode even aired, I thought to myself: Monogamy is a choice, but it’s never posed as such. It’s a choice that so many people make and for many, it works, but for many, it doesn’t. And, as Jada mentioned, there’s a lot of people that are practicing unethical non-monogamy AKA cheating! Do they even realize that they’re making that choice? There’s so little poly representation that it’s a foreign concept to many, and because monogamy is viewed as the norm, polyamory is seen as deviant.
My thoughts on being poly have certainly evolved over the years. I used to feel that my relationship had to be open and that neither of us could catch feelings for anyone else. In other words, we could only fuck other people and not become emotionally involved. However, I’m now open to having multiple emotional connections. To me, that’s the gist of being polyamorous: The openness and willingness to be fluid; to grow and allow for change; to not be tied down or restricted (unless that’s your thing…)
Here are some resources I found helpful from the guests on this episode:
Effy Blue’s Quiz: Are Open Relationships Right for You?
My results: I’m a natural!
Photo Credit: Red Table Talk / Facebook
